don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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