you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
