I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
