The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
