I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
