high people should be assigned attendants
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
