apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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