Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
