Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
