the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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