Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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