i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
