I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
