u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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