you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
