My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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