Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
