call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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