For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
