glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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