I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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