bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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