If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
