I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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