I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
