He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
