My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
