I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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