Already got asked if we're dating
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
