I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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