i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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