i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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