Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
