if you like me you must not know who I am
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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