Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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