It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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