I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
