4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
