You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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