When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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