I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
