there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
