i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
