you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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