Soap is not a condiment
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I fill condoms, not promises.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
