My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this just has baby written all over it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
