God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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