I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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