I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am available for nakedness
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
