I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
